Coming OUT To Family And Friends Can Be The Scariest Thing You’ll Ever Do

The possibility of emotional and physical harm to you can be paralyzing when there’s a fear of rejection from the people you love. 

Coming OUT To Family And Friends Can Be The Scariest Thing You’ll Ever Do.

You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re yourself as the creator created you. Regardless of your beliefs, there is a natural part of you that thinks you will be punished or reject by society with dire consequences.

It’s normal for your survival instinct to kick in. Sadly for some people, they deny their sexuality and choose to live a double life. — Never really finding that inner peace. The inner peace is a fundamental human right and critical to your development as a human being.

The sense of shame, embarrassment, fear, rejection, hurt and loss can be overwhelming. So what do you do to overcome this dilemma?

There’s never a good time to come out. It’s like pulling a sticky bandage off a hairy arm.

At some point, you have to do it, and for a brief while, it’s going to hurt like hell.

All the negativity and fear they perceived before coming out is mainly in their heads for many people.

I came out to my mother when I was 23, shortly after my father passed away from pancreatic cancer.

She took my gay news somewhat hard. Born Roman Catholic, mom did not understand what gay meant except for society’s negative stereotypes being. She was full of preconceived notions and guilt. Where did we go wrong as parents, how we tell others. She thought being gay was a voluntary life choice.

Mom did not speak to me for weeks afterwards, and that alone was painful. In retrospect, I realized that she was not rejecting me as her gay son. She needs time to make sense of it all in her mind and heart. Deep down, I knew she would come around, and she eventually did. Through dialogue, seeking advice from others, and accepting that I was the same guy, I always was and wanted the same thing her other children did.

It took several years to make complete peace with having a gay son, but then she became my biggest fan. So proud of me. Too proud at times. Mom would introduce me to the neighbours in her building by saying. “This is my gay son Danny.’ She would refer to my partner as ‘his special friend.’

In her way, she wanted to tell people I was unique and special, but that I was also her son and that she accepted and loved me. She was fiercely protective of her children as any good parent would be — but make no mistake coming out to my family was one of the hardest things I ever did. TodayIn my mid 50’s, I look back and laugh at the silliness of it all…

Over the decades, as friends and clients tell me of their Th.own coming out a story they’ve I’ve heard everything from ‘we love you just the same if not more, to we were wondering when you were going to tell us’….. to get the fuck out of my house you pervert you are not my son— whack across the head!

Your cultural background, religious belief and geographic location are significant factors that influence how the people in your life will react to your coming out.

The issue of dealing with one’s sexual orientation is a complex one, a never-ending, always evolving process. Your life experiences are as varied as the 7.5 Billion people on the planet.

Unfortunately, for most of us, is an even higher negative price you pay for not coming out. A life of never knowing intimate love or authenticity as a human. A broken spirit. A denied opportunity to express your love and joy towards another person!

I am a little bias to coming out. I’ve been out for over 30 years and live in Toronto, Canada. One of the most culturally diverse and accepting cities in the world. I’m protected by laws and have spent a lifetime surrounding myself with loving accepting people who see me as equal to them. Its almost as if my sexual orientation is no big deal.

We strive for our sexual orientation to be as usual and a ‘non-issue’ as .. ‘please pass the salt’ at the dinner table.

I have a profound sense of empathy, respect and admiration for my fellow brothers on the same journey as so many of us face.

I’m keenly aware that being gay, lesbian, bi-sexual or transgender is not safe or comfortable for tens of millions of us worldwide.

If you use the 10% rule — an estimate of what percentage of the human race is LGBTQ. Of the 7.5 Billion humans globally, we represent around 750 million ‘non-heterosexuals.’

There is no one standard answer or solution to dealing with sexual orientation. How you deal with your orientation is a deeply personal issue. Life is about facing many ups and downs along our journey to happiness and freedom. To living life on our terms, the way God created us is a very subjective interpretation of reality.

It starts with learning to love and accept yourself as the beautiful human creature and soul you are! All aspects of your flaws and your gifts.

I think being gay is a beautiful gift. I would not change my life or lifestyle for all the money in the world. 

On the most basic level, you do what it takes to be safe physically and emotionally. This is a cardinal rule to live. In this regard, timing is everything. The irony is that there’s never a good time to come out. Having a backup plan and supports to ensure your basic needs are met is critical.

In the 80’s I reached a boiling point and just blurted it out to my mother over the phone after not coming home for a few days. I met someone at my brother’s wedding, had terrific and wild sex with him and upstaged me by coming out to my family that weekend. I’ve often said that if you are going to walk on thin ice, you may as well dance — eh!

Times have changed, and believe it or not; there are scores of supports out there for LGBTQ people. Decent, compassionate strangers who are your ally’s and believe in doing the right thing to help another person in need. — You must seek those people out and think they will come to you at the right time in the right way—hidden angels in the back and foreground. People and community agencies were easily acceptable in today’s connected world. Take advantage of these resources and ask for help!

You’re lucky because today we have social media and lots of ways to connect with others.

Some would say young people today have quickly act like kids in a candy store when it comes to sex access. Social media does have its superficial shortcomings but remember you are always in control.

You build and find your tribe and not be afraid to express your thoughts and feelings honestly and directly. Social media makes it easier to talk to a stranger about your issue way before you come out to family, friends or co-workers.

I have been out for over 35 years, and there are still people who don’t know — and will never know because my orientation is a moot point in their lives.

Who I choose to love (or not) is my business, not yours! I gave over the need to get on a rooftop and tell the world a long time ago.

And by the way, if you don’t believe in gay marriage, then don’t marry a gay person. You marry who you want and don’t tell me to marry who I want.

Be humble about your sexual orientation. There’s no need to get all radical and in people’s faces about it.

— although my partner loves to give each other a friendly kiss at an intersection in front of a bus full of tourists. 

To stir up the pot a little bit. I still feel a bit awakened with spontaneous displays of public affection. I don’t think I’ll ever get over that, but then that’s ok.

My advice to you is to;

  • Just take one day at a time and know that you’re always evolving, as is society. Sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse.
  • You create your reality in your own time! But you have to start somewhere; staying idle will hinder your sense of significance, contribution, belonging, connection and personal growth.
  • For now, I say connect with someone who understands anyone!

With lots of love and affection. 
Dan the Man

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